Due to an unforeseen turn of events, I ended up not having work Wednesday through Friday last week. So after a long jog on the beach and a mostly unexciting day without my laptop, I drove back down to my hometown in good ol San Diego on Wednesday night. Fortunately, all the main freeways were still open despite the ongoing fire crisis. However, while passing the San Onofre power plant (aka SONGS) I could see a huge flame not terribly far away on the other side of the freeway. As I drove on, the fire quickly vanished behind a hill, outlining it with an eerie red glow. A little later on the hills bordering the road receded to reveal a stricken landscape with fires scattered across it. I think I even glimpsed a ring of fire burning off in the distance. For a moment, I felt like I was driving through the land of Mordor and I might pass by Mt Doom at any moment. It was both creepy and cool at the same time. I thought about pulling over to take a picture but I know it would have just been an unimpressive image of small orange blurs amidst an inky darkness. I also saw some people out there driving trucks around and working on holding back the fires. Just thinking of how I’d soon be asleep in my own bed while they continued to work through the night really made me thankful for those sacrificing so much to keep us safe. I did manage to it home safely and without incident, unlike a guy I know who actually drive through fire back in 2003 so that he could get home rather than be stuck at Barona Casino. Talk about a highway to the danger zone!

Thankfully no harm came to any of my friends or family in the fires this year, although I know that not everyone was so fortunate. I’ve also heard that Ramona is still having some trouble with their water supply. My prayers are with those recovering from and still discovering their losses.

On the positive side, I got to spend a lot more time than usual doing the things I love, in other words hanging out with friends and family and playing games. In fact, I even set up a little Recently Played widget on the blog. I’ll try to keep it up to date, though I suspect that only a small number of the few who actually read this blog are exceptionally excited about the new addition. Also, I got my laptop back and as far as I can tell it’s in working order. Hooray and huzzah! In the end it was an enjoyable 5 day weekend and I’m happy to be able to look up at the sky and not see an expanse of ash.

First off, my prayers are with everyone now dealing with the SoCal fires. My family and friends in Ramona had to evacuate but as far as I know their house is still undamaged. My family in La Mesa could see the fire from their street last night but fortunately the winds are moving it away from them for now.

On a much less important note, I won’t be writing anything else this week due to technical difficulties. The screen on my laptop suddenly went south, and I’m talking deep south. It has a line of purple pixels going down it, the colors are horrendous, the resolution is bad, parts of it keep flickering, and if the power isn’t plugged in, the whole screen goes white. And I think every other pixel is dimmed.

I know the picture doesn’t do it justice, but I’m telling you, electronics hate me. Hopefully I’ll have it back and in working order next week and I wont have to use my work computer for this kind of thing.

…ya best be prepared to get yer hands dirty.

Have you ever gone out of your way to do something for a friend and then when the opportunity came for them to return the favor, they let it pass? Perhaps you even dropped a few hints and still they did nothing. It’s easy to come out of such an experience feeling more than a little bit hurt and wronged. But the questions left swimming around in my mind following just such an incident aren’t, “how could they do such a thing?” or, “why did I help them in the first place?” Instead I wonder, “what is it that makes me feel wronged?” which is soon followed by, “what was your motive when doing the original favor in the first place?” and finally the toughest one, “are your friendships based only on how much you can benefit from them?” Such thoughts hit like forceful waves, one after the other. It is enough to knock a person flat on their rear. But getting knocked down isn’t always bad.

To be honest, I would have to admit that, yes, on many occasions I have been friends with and helped others only because I thought I could get something out of the deal. It is true that many of the things I’m after don’t seem so bad, things like companionship, wisdom, someone to talk to, laughter, advice, etc. But how many of my friendships would I maintain if I received nothing in return? I know part of it is just the core nature of friendship but I also know that there is a cord of selfishness I have wrapped around it. Where the distinction lies, I can’t always tell. But I know in it is a part of me that needs mending, a part that must be rooted out if I want to do things the right way. Self love isn’t the kind of love I’ve been called to, indeed it isn’t even a kind of love at all. It is the desire to take and take and then only give back if it allows me to take even more by the end. Don’t parasites wish for the longevity of their host so that they may have more life to drain? Don’t farmers fatten up their livestock and treat them well only that they might make of them a better meal? Don’t even the worst of criminals look after their accomplices in hopes of gaining protection, power, information, etc from their company right up until the point where they turn them in for a reward or stab them in the back and take their portion of the loot?

“No,” I want to say, “surely I’m not that bad.” On the outside I might look good, but I know it’s what is inside that counts. I know that in me is the capability to do even the most heinous and unthinkable of things if given the opportunity. But I also know that I don’t want to do those things. There is hope amidst the darkness, patches of light in a dusty old basement. I can see instances of real love working through me and I cling to them with remembrance. I continue to look inward and upward for the perfect kind of love that needs nothing, a love that has expectations but sets no conditions and does not cease when the expectations are not met. While all the best examples of such a love come from outside, I rely on reflection and introspection to find the places where I’ve hit the nail on the head, places where I’m just making more dents in the surrounding surface, and places where I’ve bent the nail so badly that it needs to be replaced.

It’s not always easy. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been panning in a dark cave like a miner searching for gold and all I’ve come up with are a few minuscule flakes. But I won’t stop digging, though I keep tripping on rocks and bumping my head against the ceiling and sometimes I want to throw the shovel down and call it quits. But I won’t be satisfied with flakes and pebbles. I won’t stop looking for every opportunity to find the mother lode.

Some of the greatest moments in life are the ones that change us. Having recently returned from a men’s retreat in the forested Palomar Mountains, I feel changed. Perhaps not as much as I would like to have been, or in the ways I want to be, but changed nonetheless. It is amazing that for all the changes I have gone through and all that I will go through, I will always be myself. Love it or hate it, I’m stuck with me until today becomes tomorrow, until the end is finally reached and then forever after.

I can remember letting my mind wonder during one of many nights I spent in sleeplessness as a young boy and coming upon a new and poignant thought: where and what would I be if I had never been made? The answer was simple and at the same time incomprehensible; nowhere and nothing. What did it mean? I got to thinking of how often we flippantly throw around such momentous words as nowhere, never, nothing, everywhere, always, forever, and everything without being able to truly appreciate them. People have likely been pondering such concepts as nothingness and eternity since there were minds to ponder with. Jonathan Edwards wrote that nothing is what sleeping rocks dream of and R.C. Sproul wrote that it’s what his son used to do every day in junior high.

Out of these thoughts sprang many other questions and ideas, such as what might be at the end of the universe, if indeed there was an end to the universe, and what could possibly be at the end of that? But the most terrifying question was what was at the end of my life. I had come to the conclusion that to be dead was to return to what I was before I was alive and the whole idea seemed utterly horrific. I figured that just as I had been made so I would be unmade. It all seemed so inhumane to me. It is said that we fear what we do not know and I definitely didn’t know what it meant to be nothing, and so I was frightened. The implications of such a thought were disheartening at best. Thinking that it all came down to nothing practically sapped all the meaning, hope, purpose, and reason out of life.

I am thankful that I can look back now and see that, while there is so much that remains a mystery to me, I have changed greatly. I know with certainty that, even as it is revealed in nature, death brings new life. It is not so much a circle as it is a tree without end, beginning from one point and continually branching out farther and farther with each new branch shooting out higher and higher. Death won’t be the end of all things, but the beginning of greater things. Not the end of life, but the beginning of true life, so much so that the life before will not even be comparable. And with these thoughts in mind I press on, knowing that whatever comes my way is simply preparation and training for a future that no person or rock ever dreamed of.

All in all, there is something to be said for being able to find a place to sit down and think, a place where you can look all around you and not see any signs of human intervention.

I went to a wedding on Saturday. I’m friends with both the bride and the groom through my old job from days of yore at Geppetto’s toy store. I even got to meet up with some coworkers who I hadn’t seen in a while. It was a very nice wedding, not extravagant and expensive but more on the simple and yet beautiful side. In fact, that’s what pretty much all of the weddings I’ve been to are like. It makes sense since I don’t know a lot of incredibly rich people (and that’s fine by me). Everyone there seemed to be in a good mood and generally happy for the young couple. Strangely enough, I spent most of the time chatting with the husband of a former coworker, a person whom I had only briefly met once before. I find it interesting how quickly I can get along with some people I’ve just met while I might never really get along with others whom I’ve known for most of my life. I did take part in a little bit of dancing near the end of the reception, which is quite a rarity for me. Overall it was an enjoyable experience.

I’ve known some people who can’t stand weddings and I think it’s a shame. Now I’ve been to weddings where I didn’t think the couple were ready to get married yet and I can see how an overall disagreement with the marriage might put a damper on the whole event, but to let weddings in general put you in a sour mood is unfortunate. Graduations, weddings, and funerals are the three big life landmarks in American culture with graduations being a bit lower on the importance scale. I know other cultures have things like Bar Mitzvahs and Quinceañeras but (sadly) we don’t have those. Just about every kind of acquaintance is invited and such events are all a marking of a very significant point in a life (or the end thereof). That’s what’s so great about weddings, they provide everyone involved with an opportunity to take a break from the daily grind and get together to celebrate life, or, more specifically the joining of two lives. It’s a time to reflect, to remember who those people were, to see who they have become and to look forward to what they will be. Marriage definitely isn’t something to be taken lightly, but it is something to enter into with a good deal of joy.

The thing I really enjoy about weddings is the sense of community, a group of people united for a common purpose. This is something I see lacking in our culture where individuality is often promoted in its place. And while no two weddings are the same, there is a good deal of tradition in them, at least enough to make Tevye happy. It is this tradition that brings importance to the whole ceremony. I definitely wouldn’t say that all traditions are, by nature, good ones. But most traditions remind us of the meaning and significance behind a certain action and that can be a very good thing. They help us remember the “whys” of life and to look back at our origins with respect for where we came from.

Also, weddings are an opportunity for people to be real with one another, to say things they might not normally say. My favorite part of the wedding I went to was after the friend of the groom and the sister of the bride both gave toasts, the microphone was opened to anyone who wished to say a word. I was amazed at the wisdom, insight, love, and encouragement that friends and relatives had to offer. This kind of thing is a rarity on a normal, daily basis. And while emotions may be running at an all-time high and you may just end up with a number from some girl you don’t really know that well (it happens), I think it is a good opportunity to be genuine and sincere. That or just smile, nod, and pretend you’re having a good time while secretly wondering how soon you can slip away without anyone noticing. While it can be discouraging to be at a wedding and single, I see it as a reason for hope, looking forward to and imagining what it’ll be like when my time comes to tie the knot. Leave the loneliness for tomorrow.

And, while perhaps not the most important part, there is good food and dessert to be had at a wedding and that, my friends, is never a bad thing.